Ever feel so small and insignificant in the shadow of your insecurities? You see I am a very cautious introvert, who has spent my life cautiously navigating through a sea of people many of whom do not have time to get to know who I am, because I let me out a bite size piece at a time. I am called alongside my husband to live a life on mission, to be set apart, and should no longer desire the protection of being an introvert, but instead to live life out loud for God and desire His protection only. Today I realized how He would use the vast difference and contrast of feeling small, but significant in the shadow of Holy God.
For months I have struggled with my insecurities and feeling less than everyone else and I have cried, because I am not enough, I have not done enough or been good enough, I have hid myself in the shadows, ran from others, hid in shame, and covered His light. While my heart is full of worry my flesh wonders if I am unable to face anyone now, how can I live on mission where God wants me to live a life that beams as a mirror of His Glory? My flesh is in a tug of war with the Spirit, because in my heart I want to do something big for the Lord out of the overflow of the great love He has given me and placed in my heart for others. My flesh says, “how can I do this?” “I really want to, but I just can’t.”
Well, today in the midst of my everyday life, God touched me. He touched me! I was standing at the kitchen sink looking outside and He touched me on the shoulder and looked straight into the depths of my heart. In that moment things slowed down, my racing thoughts, the worry, the frustration stops, and peace permeates my being. In that moment, He said, “yes it is true, I am asking you to do more than you are capable of and all you have to do is be you. You are enough, because I AM with you, I AM inside of you. Just be you, the you I have created you to be.”
Really? That is all, just be me? I can be me – the me You want me to be. The me that has You residing inside of me. As time begins to spin again, I realize that Holy God has placed His hand on my shoulder to reassure me as His – His daughter. Tears begin to wash down my face, His peace cleanses my heart and His love pools in my heart and washes the doubt from my soul and His tangible peace holds me up. I have just encountered Holy God how could this be? I realize that He has put his hand on my shoulder and peered straight into my heart, searing the fear, pain, and insecurity and leaving behind only His fingerprints of peace, assurance, love, and His promises to always be there. The rest of the day He spent time with me showing me His plan for His Glory and provision to rescue me from my anxious thoughts. He tied together events that took place over a few weeks to show me how He has watched me struggle and how He provided. He showed me through a last minute retreat opportunity with friends of the faith whom I was able to share my heart with and they recommended that I read a book by one of my favorite authors; Max Lucado called “It’s Not About Me.” Today, I read this book cover to cover (which I never do). The book begins with Exodus 3:11-12 where Moses is afraid and nearly overcome with his own insecurities and God says to him, “I will go with you.” Why is this important? Well, a few weeks earlier I was agonizing over leaving friends, leaving home, family and all that we know, and friends that I believe should come with us, and God specifically pointed this same verse out to me, “I AM going with you,” and that is all you really need. I agreed, “yes, the God of the universe is enough!” I continue to read and I realize God in His sovereignty is connecting the dots through this book showing me His work behind the scenes. How my Creator, my God, my loving Father is telling me to reflect His Glory simply by being me, I am enough, because He is with me and ALL I need to remember it is about Him and not about me, but to let them whom He is sending us to - see Him.
I can see now how He took me through the valley to show me, it is not about me, humbling me so I could merely be a reflection and not stand in the way of His Glory, but simply experience it enough to let Him shine.